A Big Shift and Perhaps My Last Leap

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Once again, I have let my blogging slide, but at least this time there’s a pretty good excuse. There’s been a lot going on internally, which isn’t necessarily anything anyone else is interested in. Despite this, I’ll attempt to give a brief update of a complete and total shift in mindset and soul. For anyone following along, it will matter in future blog posts to help understand the change in direction.

In August, I made the trip home to help care for my mother as we tried to find out why she was not doing well. What we learned was that a bowel obstruction at her age did not leave many options. A few days later, she was in hospice and died a few days after that. Suddenly we were planning her funeral and cleaning out her apartment. A trip that I had originally expected to last 4-5 days lasted almost 3 weeks. Parental relationships can be complicated, and I am still unwinding the impact of the absence of my mother in my life. That’s probably universal.

As I’ve worked through those changes, I read a book called The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. There was nothing in there I hadn’t heard before, but somehow, he was able to put the information in a way that it broke through my confusion about the nature of our being, the practical applications of mindfulness, and what sensitivities indicate and how to work with them. Putting that understanding into application will be a lifelong process, but the work is already paying off. Every problem is an opportunity for growth, and that change in mindset is powerful.

The recent wildfires in Los Angeles came in the middle of this growth and have broken my heart. Not just in watching parts of my home of 25 years turn to ash, and worrying about friends that still live there, but in seeing the callous reaction of some people, and we all know who most of them are, to the suffering of fellow citizens and human beings. Claiming god is punishing them. Saying those liberals deserve it. Flat out lying and playing the blame game for political gain while the city is still burning, and lives are still being destroyed.

The fires have also burned away a part of me that was holding me back. Most of my life I’ve felt I’ve been working without a net – on my own, no one or nothing to catch me if I fall – always feeling like I’m just one slip away from utter destruction. I tried to make that anxiety my friend, always spurring myself to action so I wouldn’t fall. The problem is, that ‘friend’ would start screaming at me incessantly when it felt as if I were about to lose my grip. I’ve always longed for some security in this life, and then the fires revealed the truth. No one really has security. Those people had beautiful houses in a beautiful part of town. They had jobs, friends, and a thriving community. They had saved, invested, worked, planned and created this secure world for themselves, and in an instant, it was all gone. Everything they saved for. Everything they’d worked for. The beautiful house – gone. For some, the job – gone. The community – gone. Their security was an illusion and so has been my striving to build that for myself.

I have been hustling, struggling, saving, and plotting how to get through my life without falling. Trying to save enough to be able to afford to live in a nursing home when I’m old, since I don’t have any kids to look after me or help out. But the truth is, I’m at the very end of the baby boomer generation and the world is shifting under my feet as a new generation takes over. With the coming unending wave of natural disasters we face on this planet, I don’t know how the old financial system or our social structure can survive. I am saving, struggling, and planning for a world that may not exist when I get there. I may not even be alive anyway. Why am I sacrificing my present for a future that I am not guaranteed. I could find myself having wasted the last of my healthy years for absolutely no reason. It’s beyond foolish.

I’m vastly unprepared for retirement, even if I keep working, so it’s not like I can just ride off into the sunset and be fine. However, I’m done living for someday. I’m done worrying about someday. From now on, I live for right now, and right now I’m just fine. The rest will work itself out.

I will no longer hustle for work. I will take work that I love and love doing it. I have some regular clients, and I hope to build that with word of mouth. But Upwork? Nope. Not going back to the cesspool of scammers and exploitative cheapskates. When I fall short for the month, I can pull from what retirement I have. In two years, I can hope that social security survives in some form for me, though with the broligarchs running things now, it’s highly likely they will pull the rug out from all of us. All the money I paid in, gone, into their pockets.

Most importantly, I’m just not going to worry about someday. Besides, I have a feeling there are going to be some real immediate things to worry about over the next four years. Maybe I’ll be broke at 75. Maybe not. I know it will mean living a very simple life unless a book sells well, or I get more clients, but the freedom is so worth it.

And just like that, all those years of fear, anxiety, and worry evaporated. A million pounds lifted off my shoulders. For many years now, I couldn’t figure out why every day when I woke up, no matter how many hours I slept, I just wanted to go back to bed. I had no energy. I had no joy. But the day after this all shifted, I woke up with so much energy. I was so excited for the day. The reason is simple. There are no more “should”s in my day. No more “have to”s. My day… every day… is made up of “I can’t believe I get to”s!

What an incredible, fabulous, marvelous, beautiful thing that is. And if I can keep that going but end up broke at 75, well, at least I’ve had 15 years of living in joy. That will be worth it. At that point, I can go back to my California old age plan. When I’m out of money and can no longer work, I’ll just take a long walk West. Though maybe now that I’m in Missouri, South or East is also an option, and I might have to take a bus first to get there.

This blog will be changing a bit. No more hustle. No more updates on how work is going. To be honest, I don’t even care anymore if I ever publish a book, though I will, because I’ll self-publish. I have a feeling the love of writing is going to come roaring back with this shift.

The really fun thing is, ever since I made this shift, projects have been starting to show up. I’m helping a friend format and prepare his book for self-publishing. Helping another friend with data entry and marketing. And doing it, is utter joy. No stress. I’m even thinking of writing an entry for the writer’s guild’s next writing contest.

What I want more than anything is to just be and to do what I love with people I love. Finally, at age 60, the life I have always wanted, and perhaps my final great leap, has begun.

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Despair and Hope in a Very Broken Nation

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The Storm Before the Storm

The night before the election, thunder rolled ominously through town. It seemed like it might be a premonition of what was to come, but I was hoping it was not. I had watched clips of Kamala’s rally, filled to the roof, loud and excited. Then, I had seen clips of Trump’s rallies. Nobody there. Trump droning on as people left. His behavior was deteriorating in a way that I felt people couldn’t help but notice. He insulted people and simulated a sex act on stage. How could anyone vote for him?  The first time around, I might have given my fellow citizens a pass for supporting him because they didn’t know what I knew. But now they know. How could anyone with a shred of sanity want this person as the leader of our country?

Yet, 2016 was still fresh in my mind — the pain of hope failing us. I tried to put it out of my mind and hold on to the joy. The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice, right? The day would be filled with fear but also joy at turning the page on this ugly chapter in our country’s history. I felt like Harris was going to win, but I did worry I felt that way because I knew the stakes, and she had to win.

What We Lost

By 10 o’clock, the writing was on the wall. I spent the night contemplating the new reality. Steve Bannon, Stephen Miller, Elon Musk, Charlie Kirk, and JD Vance – these despicable, rotten-to-the-core racists will now have power over my life. These people hate strong, independent women. We are objects of scorn to them. According to them, my only purpose is to give birth and care for children, so I guess I will be disposable with them in charge.

Despite paying into Social Security my entire life, it will be gone when I need it. Under Trump’s plan, it will be insolvent in 6 years. And as he follows the 2025 playbook, Medicare will be gone, too. I will be facing old age with no social safety net in a country where half the voters don’t seem to have any empathy or compassion.

The sacrifices made in Ukraine will be for nothing, as Trump lets Putin do whatever he wants. Trump will also give Netanyahu free rein to use whatever force he wants, which will then lead to the utter destruction of the Middle East. The environment? Oh, it’s also toast. It was heading that way anyway, but now, with greedy oligarchs running things, we have no chance at all.

If I were Liz Cheney, Adam Kinzinger, or anyone else who has a spine and stood up to him, I might think about leaving the country before they start falling out of windows. Sadly, that’s the country we live in now.

Despair Today

The advice for Harris supporters was not to show any despair on social media. Why? Because Maga people love it. They love the pain they cause. They love the hurt and despair. Owning the libs – It’s what they live for. One thing I knew before the election was that no matter who won, the far-right wingers would be mad today. They’re mad if they win. They’re mad if they lose. They just love to be mad at liberals and stick it to them.

Well, screw them. They must live with their ugliness. I am going to let myself voice my despair today. I have to acknowledge that so much has been lost, not least of which is my respect for so many Americans who knew better this time and didn’t care. They will eventually come to feel the pain of their choice.

But Not Despair Forever

Thankfully, I won’t stay in that dark place. Recently, I read a life-changing book titled The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. One lesson that stuck with me was that every problem is an opportunity to be present. As you learn to be more present and to be the observer, problems cease to be problems. I had been working on this with small things, and I’m not sure I was quite prepared for the final exam yet, but here we are. Being present, being kind, being decent, and fighting fascism whenever I can, will be how I survive and how I will keep the MFers from winning.

activism, change, election, feminism, grief, kindness, politics, racism, social media, War , ,

Freelancing: the Ugly, the Bad, and the Good

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This leap has barely begun, and already, I’m learning that nothing is certain with freelancing. One month, I can have more work than I can handle, and the next month, there may be crickets. It’s an exercise in managing emotions. Don’t let yourself go crazy and spend lots of money when you’re working; don’t despair and panic when you’re not. One offer can change the month in an instant. But even with the fun of working for yourself, there are some tricky areas to navigate.

Scammers (The Criminally Ugly)

The most frustrating thing about freelancing is scammers. Once you learn their habits, they’re easy to spot — often, they didn’t verify their method of payment. However, they’ve evolved as the freelancers learned to avoid them. Now, they will verify a method of payment, but if you look at other details, you begin to see a pattern. It’s always the first time they’ve posted an ad and have never spent a dime on the site. It’s always entry-level work for more than others are paying. Another tell-tale sign is a similar list of job responsibilities or requirement bullet points in the ad.

What is infuriating is that these scammers target people simply trying to earn a living. None of us are likely wealthy, and none of us can afford to lose what little we have, yet that is exactly who these criminals go after.

Exploiters (The Legally Ugly)

But in some ways, they are not the biggest criminals on the site. That falls to the people who want you to edit their 100K word manuscript for $70. When you break that down to the number of hours you would have to put in on a project that size, you would make pennies an hour. Would the writer/publisher of this book be willing to work for so little? Then why ask others to do that for you. It should be a crime.

Shifting Sands (The Bad)

There are other frustrations. For a while, the recommendation was to always use AI to write your cover letters, as they would stand out and have all the keywords from the application. I’ve been doing that, with heavy editing, of course, until I got rejected from an application because it was written with AI. Things are always shifting, and they never seem to favor the freelancer.

Growing Creativity and Opportunity (The Good)

While working in the freelance world, I came up with a business idea that won’t let go. It’s a mobile phone app for something useful and needed, and there is nothing like it on the market at the moment.

I researched and found that apps can be costly to develop and launch. Many times in my life, I have had an idea but no way to get there, then watched someone with more resources reap the rewards and accolades for the thing I could not do. Once again, it seemed a way forward might be impossible, but there’s a part of me that isn’t going to let that happen this time. I found a developer on Upwork that is still financially out of reach for me but is closer to my reality. I have invested some money into developing the app, will create a business plan, and hope to find a couple of investors who might want to make a little money while also allowing me to find some financial freedom. Once the investors are in place, I will complete the app development and get it on the market.

As ugly as freelancing can feel at times, I’m still loving it. My work in June got me a Top Seller badge, which should help with getting hired in the future. My creativity is flourishing. I have time for personal development. I have time to enjoy life. And even with occasional moments of terror where I’m not sure I will make this work, for the most part, there is joy. It’s nice to finally be in a place where things are happening. While crashing at the bottom of the canyon is still a very real possibility, the excitement that I may not, seems to be winning.

editing, freelancing, Mobile App Development, writing , ,

Joy

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It’s been over a month since I left my job. I had decided I was going to use April to unwind the years of stress I had been under and relax.

At first, I panicked. I can’t afford to take time off! I need to get things moving! My financial survival is on the line! And with the next breath, I realized that panic was exactly why I needed to take time off. For so long, it felt like I had been hanging on by my fingernails. I needed my fingers to un-cramp.

I needed to drop the load of obligations and shoulds I had been carrying and remember who I am and why I am here. I’m not here to make other people’s dreams come true or put other people’s fires out. It’s not the time to be other people’s support; it’s time to support myself. It’s time for my dreams. It’s finally time to focus on what I want and need to do.

Oh no!

It wasn’t always easy. Thoughts of “what have I done?!” bounced through my brain. “You should be doing x, y, or z!” “Don’t get too comfortable with this!” “What if this doesn’t work? You’ll lose everything and be a total failure!” It’s hard work unwinding stress.

Starting out, I slept. And slept. And slept. I continued to go to bed early but found myself sleeping solidly through the night, no longer waking up to worry about work. It was often 8-10 hours a night. Plus, there were naps. I so love naps. I knew I’d been tired. I don’t think I realized quite how tired.

Joy Creeping In

I began to notice more subtle things. I was finding joy in being present. Tasks that I used to rush through, trying to get them done so I could move on to something else, became enjoyments in themselves. I had the time and energy to be more social. After hours of being extroverted every day at my old job, I used to retreat into my home and hole up until I had to be out again. Now, after being holed up at home all the time, I love getting out and connecting with people, but now in a social setting.

All these little joys began to have an effect. One night I was heading out to meet up with some people and it hit me, I wasn’t taking April off to rest and recover, I was taking April off to find my joy again. And surprisingly, it was still there, peeking out and waving ‘hi.’  What a delightful discovery.

Back to the Hustle

But now that time is over… sort of. Until I start getting more editing and writing work, I will still have more free time than I’m used to. I’m building a rhythm of looking for work, taking online courses, and, hopefully, very soon, carving out time every day to write. Talk about joy!

This is the life I want. I just have that little issue of surviving to deal with. But as one friend has pointed out multiple times, I always land on my feet. I will find a way to make it work. I know this because I found my joy again.

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Oops, I Did it Again

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If there were a theme to the story of my life, it would be leaps of faith. I’ve covered that history in the last blog post. And by now, I guess it’s just become a habit because I’ve taken another leap. About two months ago, I decided to take a risk and invest in my future. My somedays are running out at my age, and if someday isn’t today, it will never be. I felt like I could not move forward with freelancing if I couldn’t go at it full-time. So, I made my plans, discussed them with various people to ensure I was doing the right thing, and gave two months’ notice at my job.

The first month was hard. Once I had made the decision, I just wanted to be gone. But I wanted to allow the business the time to find the right person to replace me, and I needed to get some of my ducks in a row. I did notice that my sleep became more restful, and I began to dream regularly and in vivid colors. It was confirmation that I was doing the right thing.

March flew by, and here we are. I did my best in the time allowed to pass on as much knowledge of my job to the new person, but it isn’t until you try to teach what you know that you realize just how much you know. I’d been running a business for nine years. I had the names and faces of hundreds of people in my head. I know about their spouses, partners, kids, jobs, pets, and hobbies. I know about their accounts and who needs to be billed in what way – email, in person, or not at all… just run their card. There were schedules to keep track of, payroll, record keeping, taxes, etc. I know the ins and outs of the software we use and how to deal with each issue. I have deadlines and recurring tasks jumbled around in my brain, fighting for attention. I would often wake up in the middle of the night, worrying about what needed to be done and how to handle it or thinking of things that had slipped through the cracks.

Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t hate my job. I may have hated some things about it, like multi-tasking and constant interruptions, but I loved our clients. I loved seeing them every week, and I will miss them terribly. I loved being good at what I did. I loved being of service.

As I fell asleep last night, the thoughts of things that needed attention started to stir, and I had to remind myself that those things were no longer my concern. I could let them go. Joy flooded through me. When I saw myself going forward, doing various tasks, it was almost as if I was dancing, leaping, and twirling through them in my mind. I couldn’t sleep because the muscles that kept me smiling wouldn’t relax.

I suddenly understood why I hadn’t been able to write. Writers need time to daydream. They have to stare off into space and let stories and ideas bounce into their brains. But every time I would try to do that, a thought about a task at work would pop up. There was no room in my brain for creativity, no room for daydreaming. I had lost who I was.

Last night, I attended a talk from Shelby Van Pelt, who wrote Remarkably Bright Creatures. As she discussed her writing process and the magic of having miraculous ideas appear at just the right time, I felt the embers of my writing flare to life. I hadn’t felt that in years. I couldn’t wait to start crafting characters and having them tell me who they are and what they do. I couldn’t wait to feel the magic as those characters created a compelling story. I felt myself return to who I am. There is no joy quite like that.

There will be bumpy days ahead as I build clientele and struggle to make ends meet. But I also know I can do it with a lot of hard work. That work will build my future and my dreams, which will make it not quite so hard.

One of my coworkers had a magnet on her locker that said something like, “True friends walk with you through the shadows and dance with you in the sunshine.” To those who stayed with me in the darkness, provided a light and let me lean on them, I thank you. Sun’s out. Let’s dance!

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A Life of Leaping into the Unknown

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My life has been a series of leaps of faith. I started leaping at just 20 when I transferred to a school in Hawaii I’d never even visited. The school wasn’t quite what I expected, and I left after a semester. Still, I continued to live and work in Hawaii for another year. I didn’t stick the landing, but I did land. It was a fun adventure, and many lessons were learned about a new culture and what it was like to be a minority.

Leaping to Yellowstone

I leaped back home, with a soft landing because of friends and family. I had a solid job in Sioux Falls, but I was miserable. I wasn’t pursuing my dreams. I was living a life of quiet desperation. So I quit my permanent job for a seasonal job in Yellowstone with no promise of work after a few months. Foolish, but I leaped anyway and nailed the landing. I had the summer of my life, meeting a lifelong friend in my roommate and realizing this leaping thing could keep going.

Heading to the Grand Canyon

Together with my roommate, we leaped to the Grand Canyon. Yet another seasonal job with no promise of work after a few months. This one would leave me a long way from home, unemployed. Oh well, there I went. The culture at the Grand Canyon was so different than the adventurous one at Yellowstone, so there was no interest in sticking around. While my roommate leaped back to Yellowstone, I kept skipping west to California.

The Giant Leap to California

Until that point in my life, whenever I’d leaped somewhere, I’d had a dorm or friends to get me started in a new location. My first genuinely huge leap of faith was when I moved to California. I had no one. If I was going to succeed there, it would be 100% on me. I remember being absolutely terrified the night before I moved into my tiny, cockroach-infested studio apartment in Hollywood. No job. No experience. I grew up in a town of 420 people. How was I supposed to function in the 2nd largest city in the country? I held the massive Thomas Guide, with hundreds of pages of city streets, and knew I was in over my head. But then I decided I knew how to get to the apartment I’d rented. I would learn the blocks around it and the blocks around those blocks until I knew the city. And that’s how it worked, except for the first day when I went in search of a store to buy a telephone and, once there, realized I had no idea how to get home. This was 1990, before smartphones. I eventually figured it out and went on to stick the landing in California, with a 25-year career in film and television, which included winning an Emmy with some really great people.

Backflip to Missouri

But you know, once you start leaping, I guess it’s hard to quit because then I did a backflip to Missouri. That was also pretty terrifying. It was a new culture and a very red culture. (If I’d had any idea what was coming in 2016, I wonder if I would have moved here.) Thankfully, doors opened, and I feel like I pretty much stuck that landing with a wobble here or there. It feels like home.

New Doors Open

The pandemic was hard, but it also opened a door. Sites like Fiverr and Upwork made the world of freelance remote work available to anyone with the Internet and a bit of skill with words. Finally, what I wanted to do most seemed within reach, just in a different form. Surprisingly, the editing and writing work I have been getting has been less on those sites and more through word of mouth here in town. Those jobs have allowed me to leave my library job behind. But I’ve still felt crunched for time with a full-time job and freelance work, leaving little time to line up new work. So it’s time to leap again.

Just a Hop

This time it’s a little leap. I’ve reduced my hours to part-time at my day job. I have some income, but not enough on its own. Eek! Freelancing is a never-ending hustle. There’s a reason I jumped at a chance at a network show back in LA when it was offered. Had I known it was a dead end, I might have reconsidered. Still, all I knew was that it was a break from constantly wondering if you’d work the next week or from working so much that you weren’t sure if you’d get a night of sleep that week, so I grabbed it. I used to say I gave up my dreams for security, and ended up with neither. This time I’m risking my security for my dreams. We’ll see how that turns out.

Embracing the Hustle

Thankfully this time I have a fantastic mentor, which I’ve never had before. More free time will allow me to get my online sites firing on all cylinders. It will allow me to have the time to do whimsical things that feed creativity – go to a movie, walk over to the art museum, or meet a friend for a meal. And that will allow me to start working on my own writing again.

So, here I go… see you on the other side.

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ChatGPT: A New Tool in My Creative Writing Journey

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The last couple of months have been pretty exciting. I left my 2nd job at the public library (which I very much miss) and began to revel in the simple pleasure of two days off in a row. That meant spending one day doing all of life’s maintenance tasks and the other day enjoying leisure time. It felt a bit decadent. And I began to explore my abilities as an editor and found my confidence growing.

Amid that, after hearing about ChatGPT for months, I was feeling very angry that it existed. I hadn’t even wanted to sign up for it because I didn’t want my email associated with it. I was a writer!!!! A creative!!!!

But I dipped in one toe. I asked it silly questions like, “Can you fix my life?” and of course, it could not. “How can I meet Hugh Jackman?” It told me to buy a ticket to a Meet and Greet. Uh… no. But then, one day, I asked it to give me the plot of a bestseller, which gave me a very interesting story. I didn’t like all of it, but I liked parts, and suddenly I realized that ChatGPT was really useful as a prompt generator. Here, with ChatGPT, after a long fallow period, I had a prompt that sent my creativity soaring. I am almost 7,000 words into this book, a genre I’ve never written in – mystery/thriller/romance. It’s fun; the only thing holding back my progress is having time to work on it.

I know Artificial Intelligence can be badly misused. I have heard how it can replicate a voice and scam a loved one into sending money. I have heard about all those charlatans writing 100% A.I.-generated novels and making a killing. I know it could potentially eliminate my very purpose for existence. Who needs a writer or an editor when ChatGPT can provide both services? But knowing all that isn’t going to stop it.

Change is inevitable. Looking ahead, I saw this massive A.I. wave of change crashing down on me and knew either I could let it bury me, tossing me underwater until I drowned, or I could learn to ride it and, with some luck, come out of the barrel in one piece.

Suddenly I wanted to know more. So I searched Udemy, and there were courses there to teach you how to use this newfangled technology. Ever since, I have been in a flurry of dementia-delaying learning. It is a playground that leaves me marveling each day at the possibilities around me. My initial naiveté that it held all the wisdom of humanity has been replaced with the wisdom that it holds all the knowledge of the Internet, which is a vastly different thing. It definitely needs human supervision.

Even so, I feel like I have been waiting my whole life to have this tool at my disposal. It feels like there is no vision I can’t explore – no idea I can’t communicate. Sleeping is challenging some nights because of the possibilities ping-ponging through my brain.

I have so much more to learn. I wish I had enough disposable income to do nothing but explore this new technology and the creativity it is unleashing. I am still terrified of it. There is so much evil that can be done with it. But I am also fascinated.

Of course, the scammers, the liars, the cheats, and the posers will find a tool like this infinitely valuable for creating the illusion that they have talent. Those intent on A.I. misuse or those lacking A.I. ethics have the potential to harm society without regulation. But those with talent will find the A.I. writing tools valuable in unchaining them from the drudgery of research, and it will give them leaps in creative directions they might not have otherwise undertaken.

I still have some learning to do, but I am well on my way to becoming a Priestess of A.I. What a hoot.

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Hanging on and Screaming My Fool Head Off

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Life is definitely a roller coaster ride. The last year or two has felt like I’ve been in a terrifying free fall. But, in the long straight section at the bottom, I began to make plans and adjustments to avoid a big crash.


So, during the last few months of the year, what little free time I had was spent either taking online courses or applying for jobs on Upwork. It was tedious and demoralizing. One job paid all of a dollar. Another paid a whopping $10 ($8 after Upwork gets its cut), but I spent so much time on the job it probably brought my pay to .50 an hour. This is the price you must pay on a site like Upwork, where you must develop a reputation before anyone is willing to pay a decent rate. Nevertheless, I pushed ahead, knowing I had to pay my dues to get where I wanted to go. It didn’t seem like I would probably have much financial success in the first year, so it seemed best to put my nose to the grindstone and muscle through.


In the meantime, I talked about my business venture to anyone who would listen. I called the local university writing center, emailed the local writer’s guild, and mentioned it to friends, acquaintances, and clients. One of those conversations led to me being hired on a small team of writers and editors, rewriting and republishing a self-help book. This project will last through the summer. Suddenly I wasn’t scrounging for .50-an-hour jobs; I had a real gig.


As I got to know the team leader better, I realized she was successfully doing exactly what I hoped to do. My whole life, I have craved a mentor. I have the skills but lack the confidence and know-how to move forward. Despite being told throughout my life that I am a talented writer, I have permanent failure to launch issues. That is something a mentor could help me with. Our team leader was someone I clicked with and who had the skills I needed. So I summoned my courage and asked her to be my mentor. She quickly agreed, and suddenly I have someone in my corner who can help me through this confusing maze.


So after a year or so of struggling with finances, trying to find a path forward, and barely maintaining any hope things would ever get better, the needed changes are finally falling into place. Besides the book, I have smaller jobs with blogs and a podcast. With any luck, the current work will lead to more work, and my business will be off and running. Today I filed the articles of organization with the Secretary of State for my new LLC. Tomorrow I will get the EIN and register my business with the state. It feels momentous. It feels freeing.


Whoo, doggie, this section of my roller coaster ride has had some rapid elevation changes. Although I am now climbing, inching up slowly with clickety clacks along the way, I need to remember there will likely be a drop ahead, and I need to hang on. The wild ride isn’t over yet. Not until they put me in the ground.

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Falling Back on What I Love

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It’s the first day of 2023. It is a good day to post another blog. I’ve been silent for months. Last year, my goal was to write a blog post every month. I succeeded for a few months, and then I just stopped altogether. Looking back, the blogs stopped when I took a second job.

Also at that time, depression began to suck me down into the muck. Now some of that was related to a failing thyroid, but it was more than that. The last few years have taken a serious toll. The first few years I lived in Springfield, it felt like heaven. I loved the community and my close circle of friends. I loved the work we did. I loved the pace of my life and the ability to spend large swaths of time writing. I relied on savings to keep that pace slow, but I had faith that something would come my way before I ran out of money.

And then the pandemic hit. I was one of the ‘lucky’ ones who didn’t lose work. I became busier than ever, with more responsibilities and stress. However, while there was plenty of work, fun came to a screeching halt. There were no more girls nights. There were no more movies or meals out. No galas. No concerts. No shows.

There was no fun. There was only work and stress for years on end. And we all know that’s not a good combination. While other people were paid to stay home and used that time to publish their first novel, there was no room in my head for stories. Everything that gave me joy was gone. 

Then the financial blows came. The house continued to need significant repairs that I had hoped would wait a few years. And, of course, there was inflation. Suddenly the saving account that had allowed me some safety was gone, and debt began to pile up.

I saw no route out of this mess, at least not in the middle of a pandemic, living in a city with a lower median income than many other cities, in a state that already has a low median income. Even a second job wasn’t cutting it, leaving me weary and still sinking further into debt.

Eight years ago, I took a leap of faith, leaving Hollywood behind and moving to Missouri. Now, for the first time since moving here, I suddenly see the ground rushing at me. It is terrifying. 

I’ve developed a reputation at work as a fix-it person. If there’s a problem, call Lynette, and she’ll fix it. I’m seen as competent and resourceful, so the go-to person to fix anything. But lately I have begun to wonder, who’s my fix-it person? Who do I call that I can always count on to handle it when I have a problem? The answer that resounds with deafening silence is ‘no one.’ As a single person, no one sees me as their priority. There’s no one with a dog in the fight to work things out with. There’s no one saying, “I want to help her succeed.” So, if I’m going to get out of this mess, I’m the only person who will make it happen. 

After that epiphany, I began work on figuring out how to survive. I’m almost 60, and I’m running out of time. The window to the life I dreamed of is closing rapidly. I have very few liquid assets, there’s an impending recession, a mountain of repairs needed on the house, and I feel completely burned out. So how do I fix that?

I am choosing to fall back on what I love, which is words. I’m hoping to stop my rapid descent by catching an updraft and starting Updraft Proofreading and Copyediting. When I’m editing, it feels as if it’s what I’m meant to do. I love spending my days teasing apart someone’s writing and making it shine. If I can begin to earn a living from that work, I won’t even care about ever getting published. I will still be doing what I love and creating a lifestyle I love. Even better, it’s something I can do into old age.

So this is what I’ll be focusing on in the coming year. Anything I’ve ever wanted in this life, I’ve had to figure out how to get on my own, and I can do it again. I’m a farm kid who had a 25 year career in Hollywood without experience and connections. I will do it again. I have no other choice, just like I felt like I had no choice back then.

The future of this blog is in limbo. I will endeavor to write here, perhaps detailing my work as an editor. But I make no promises. When you work over 60 hours a week at three different jobs, finding time for blogging is hard. 

Until I get another website built, if you would like to inquire about my services and rates, leave me a comment with your contact information.

authors, blogging, change, editing, writing , , , ,

A Lack of Imagination – Robb Elementary

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I was given a great gift – imagination. It carried me through some difficult times in my childhood, and has allowed me to have remarkable adventures in my mind. 

For the past 4 1/2 years, I’ve been taking care of our business owner’s child. I’ve fed her, burped her, changed her diapers, and rocked her to sleep. As she grew, she hung onto my fingers as she walked and explored her surroundings. Those early mangled words and nonsense noises have coalesced into an incredible vocabulary. I’ve stood at the bottom of the slide, encouraging her to take the risk of sliding down, then watched her tell me to sit on the bench so she can play on her own. I’ve dragged her to daycare screaming and crying, then transitioned to seeing her roll her eyes with disappointment while playing with her friends, when she see’s I’m there to pick her up. And I’ve seen her early love of Frozen, Annie, and nursery rhymes turned into a full-blown Hamilton obsession. I may not be a mom, but I’ve gotten a slice of it, and how the love grows with each breath. 

So when this school shooting happened in Robb Elementary, it took on a new dimension to me. My gift of imagination turned into a curse. I could see her in her classroom, eyes filled with fear from the sounds of gunshots. I could imagine her teacher, whose responsibility is to keep those kids safe, desperate to do anything to protect them while knowing there was little she could do. I could imagine the gunman coming in and destroying the precious lives of all those children I see every day when I pick her up. I could imagine the devastation I would feel if my little charge’s life was cut short. I could imagine how her parents would also be destroyed. With those imaginings, I gained a knowledge that I would do anything…. anything to keep that child safe and protect her from the horror those children at Robb Elementary experienced.

But what can I do? Every school shooting follows a familiar pattern. There are calls for changes to laws, mostly by Democrats. Republican then get mad at Democrats (not the shooter) and claim this isn’t the time and that Democrats are politicizing the events. But considering we have mass shootings every few days, when is there ever going to be a time that is acceptable to Republicans? And since politics is how we enact laws, how do you not politicize it? We need to work through the political system to enact change. And if Republicans don’t want to do that political work, I guess that means they’re fine with the status quo of children being slaughtered in their classrooms as long as they can keep their sacred weaponry. 

Most of these politicians know very well that there are laws that can be enacted that fall within the constitutionality of the 2nd amendment and would provide some protection to Americans. Ninety percent of American are in favor of universal background checks, yet politicians beholden to the NRA block that measure.

We aren’t allowed to own RPG launchers. We aren’t allowed to own functioning tanks. We aren’t allowed to own nuclear weapons. And there’s absolutely no reason to allow average citizens to own high capacity, rapid firing rifles with armor piercing rounds. No reason. None. Would outlawing these weapons stop all mass shootings? Nope. But would it reduce them? Absolutely. History and statistics prove it. 

Some would say we shouldn’t punish law abiding citizen and that criminals will always get guns somehow. Here’s the deal. This kid WAS a law abiding citizen when he bought his weapons… and then yesterday, he became a criminal by using them. 

To the cowards who say there is nothing that can be done, they are liars, and they know it.

Of course, limiting those weapons isn’t the whole answer. There are more steps needed that include access to mental health care and research on the issue to know what will keep it from happening again. So no, an assault weapons ban alone will not solve the problem, but it is one step. And we have to start by taking one step, and then the next, and the next, and the next. We’re Americans. That used to mean there wasn’t any problem we couldn’t solve. What happened to us? When did we just give up?

So often I look at these NRA shills and wonder if they have no heart. But maybe what they have is a lack of imagination. They can’t imagine their children or grandchildren in this situation. They blissfully ignore the suffering of parents as they lose the most precious thing in their life, because it hasn’t affected them. They prefer to hide their heads in the sand so they may worship at the altar of the gun.

But I do have an imagination. And I have a heart. I will do whatever it takes to make progress on this issue. I will call my representatives. I will use my words, as I am doing here. I will use my actions when I see a way to do so. Columbine. Sandy Hook. Stoneman Douglas. Robb Elementary. What school will next be added to the list. One near you? Will it take happening at a school your child attends before you take action? I hope not, because then it may be too late.

Don’t let the lack of empathy and imagination condemn more children to a brutal death. Look at the faces of these 19 children. What would you do to protect your child? Do it. Now. We, as citizens, need to let our demands be heard. Call your representatives and let them know what you expect from them and hold them accountable for their inaction. 

Not another child. Please. Not one more. Take the power from the gunman’s hands, and put it in your own. Don’t let a lack of imagination in how we might fix this take another life.

activism, change, gun regulation, gun violence, mass shootings, politics, Uncategorized , ,
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